RUINS interview: February 2009

LUCY: All right, we’re here with the Ruins, please introduce your band.

Jon: guitar, sitar, electric banjo and bible (that’s right electric bible).
Tim: lead electrified bass and inspired vocalizin’s.
Drew: rythmic guitar, tourettes.
Tony: drums, with gusto.

LUCY: Okay, now that’s over with, what is it exactly that Tim does with a unicorn?

RUINS: He whispers to them. You see, unicorns are essentially unreliable creatures. They say one thing then do another. Totally unpredictable. Tim makes them tractable through the gentle art of yelling. Yelling and magic (oops, I meant Magiks).

LUCY: Tell us about “Never Mind the Brodeo, it’s the Ruins."

RUINS: We are very, very lazy. It’s the only thing we actually “try to do.” We have tons of recorded material, but mostly recorded badly. We’ve made no effort to correct this. Were not god damned Emerson Lake and Palmer. We have no obligations to a listening public, no fans to cater to, and, as I said, were shockingly lazy. So this single will come out when we feel like doing it. Seriously, were just really, really broke so we’ve got the recordings, but no cash for the follow through.

LUCY: What are you guys doing to promote punk rock to the seniors in Florida?

RUINS: Playing it very, very slowly and trying to enunciate. Well, and doing punk rock sock hops at rest homes. The scene’s on a respirator you know.

LUCY: How was your show with the Dwarves and the Uprising? We’ve interviewed both of these bands and I know they can’t stop themselves from being bad boys.

RUINS: Indeed, very true. An awesome experience all around. Most bands are utterly clueless and really boring because they try too hard. The Dwarves and the Uprising are not and do not. Thus they provide Le Rock for the kids.

LUCY: Did you guys ever carry metal lunch boxes to school? Which ones?

RUINS: Yes, with the exception of Drew. He was terrified at the thought of his sandwich being encased in metal and consequently demanded a simple, brown paper bag with his name written on it in indelible marker. As for the rest: I [Jon] carried the Evel Kenevel Snake River Canyon Jump box. Tim, with more refined tastes, used the Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch box and Tony was (and still is) a user of Hong Kong Phooey merchandise.

LUCY: What do the Ruins watch on TV?

RUINS: We watch our lives pass us by.

LUCY: Oh, poor babies. Your favorite (non Ruins) punk song?

RUINS: No consensus here so: Ted Nugent’s “Great White Buffalo,” Gene Vincent’s “Blue Jean Bop,” “So Agitated” by the Electric Eels, the Rezillos “My Baby Gives Good Sculpture,” the entire Wipers discography, and finally “Slow Death” by the Flamin Groovies (Charlie Pickett and the Eggs’ version is fantastic as well).

LUCY: The Electric Eels are awesome. So... why should we buy Ruins records?

RUINS: They’re handy and practical. They’re the kind of object which belies an owner’s inherently good taste and discretion. They can also be used as a plate, an ashtray, a jaunty hat or stylish accessory which lets the world know, “I’ve got huge problems. I’m using my record-hat as an ashtray!”

LUCY: And also they're very spinny! Tell us about the orgy you guys had with Celine Dion?

RUINS: I perhaps spoke too strongly when I said orgy. First, it would be more aptly described as a series of tender ministrations given freely between consenting adults and in alphabetical order. Beyond that it was really hot and slightly weird, kinda like “how’s about we drink a little Sake and get a little weird” weird.

LUCY: Tell us a funny Ruins road story.

RUINS: Well strangest thing, we were in North Africa when Tim had a vision. It told him that a messiah was born and that we must find the holy infant and make offerings to him. Wait that’s not it. Let’s try again. Okay, we were flying in a finger four formation over occupied France when suddenly we were set upon by Huns at 12 o’clock high. Tim, Red Flight Leader, frantically called over the R/T to us, but it was too late. No not that either. Totally wrong and untrue to boot. Okay, on the road, Tim beat me up cause I was threatening our drummer with a cigarette lighter. Um, not so good. Okay, after our actual show, we set up and played in a Waffle House in the middle of nowhere, cause the cook and his “old lady” (the manager) said we could. The Waffle House show was way better—we had an audience of pregnant teens and were paid in eggs, bacon, raisin toast and grits.

LUCY: My society gf Hourglass and I are vegetarians, so eewww on the bacon. Eggs are gross too and grits... wtf. Stan Lee of the Dickies told us to always ask what flavor ice cream you like, so consider yourselves asked.

RUINS: Good question. We actually have a preference for vanilla malts and Tim likes orange sherbert.

LUCY: Like, what else do we need to know about the Ruins?

RUINS: Jon is a sport liar. Tim is neurotic. Drew likes cats and warm mocha. Tony is really tiny. And remember kids, Punk's not dead it’s just sleeping!

LUCY: Sometimes it sleeps with me. Thanks, punk amigos!


“The Ruins Interview" by Lucy Hell.
Edited/formatted by Bradley Mason Hamlin. © 2009 by Mystery Island Publications. Published: 02.28.09.
All rights reserved.