The Surf Sluts Interview
by Lucy Hell

Hello. Introduce yourselves ...

Hello America! We are the Surf Sluts! Featuring ...

Postmortem Pat: blond, psychotic and blind as a bat that’s had its head ripped off. Front-man, tries to sing, plays harmonica, middle name of Gaythorne.

Snod: footy (that’s soccerball to you guys) playing guitarist, backing vocals, although he doesn’t sing whilst playing footy ... I think ... Taken over papaoomowmow duties since previous incumbent left to have his teeth fixed.

Shingles: newest slut and plays guitar. He’s still a shy, retiring kind of chap and when he grows up he would like to be a doctor.

Pig: 40+, bubbly, distinguished looking male, enjoys food and drink seeks like minded. Plays bass, squeals like his namesake.

G Diddy: would make a lovely nephew for a musician, drums and is well hung ... sorry ... would look well hung from any lamp-post.

Mim: vocals, vibroslap, dancing.

Goose: vocals, tambourine, dancing.

Describe your super cool sound:

What more can we say ... guitar driven surf-punk which is a shit load of fun. Some say they sense a subliminal, one could argue, spiritual quality to the music coupled with a deep sensitivity it is hard to find these days. Indeed, others maintain there is a lyrical quality which emphasizes the philosophical concepts of objective reality, reason and rational egoism, which at the same time, attacks the irrationality and immorality of altruism and collectivism ... but bollocks to them.

What do Surf Sluts eat for breakfast?

What have you got? – Pig. Ratatouille - Snod. A cig and a coffee, another cig, a line of ‘phet, a cig etc ... - Post-mortem Pat.

Can we expect a Surf Sluts invasion of America?

If someone can pay, we’d love to play.

Who’s your favorite so-called “British Invasion” band?

Surf Sluts (2008 ...), Rolling Stones, Davy Jones (Brit frontman & jockey from the Monkees), The Clash, Redcoats 1776 (only joking!), Pegasus bridge France June 6 1944, and when we took the home end at Barnet away in the 1992/3 season, with a 5-1 win--quality!

Your favorite surf and punk musicians are:

Generally speaking, and unfortunately for them, dead. I think we’d have to go for The Ramones. With honourable mentions going to The Beach Boys and the Damned. Oh, and Postmortem Pat likes England’s first ‘punk’ band, Jefferson Airplane ... ahem, yes, well ... moving swiftly on.

Describe a typical Surf Sluts music session:

Loud, fun, non-egotistical--all in all, a great laugh.

Why should people buy Surf Sluts music?

Cos we need the money so we can come and play in the States as mentioned above. Can we go to the commercials at this point?! In most stores--just look in the ‘bargain bin,’ in fact just look in the bin ... However, out now at is our latest Christmas EP. Cliff Richard's (England’s answer to Elvis ... no really ...) "Mistletoe & Wine" by George A Romero as sung by the bastard offspring of Scrooge and the Childcatcher from Chitty Bang Bang with "Little Drummer Boy" as sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie. It also features graveyard stomps "Zombie Girl," The Dead Elvi’s "Creature Stole My Surfboard" and a live version of the classic "Monsters In My Garage." Check out our website I thankyeow. Now back to the main program ...

Who’s the sluttiest Surf Slut?

That would be either him, her or them, Um. All. Um. er ... no-one. Probably Postmortem Pat. He wore a ladies’ brassiere on stage once don’t yer know. Very fetching it was too.

What do Surf Sluts drink?

What have you got? – Postmortem Pat. Hard liquor – Mim and Goose. A nice pint of Stumpy's Hop a Doodle Doo, although the wife likes a Bishop’s Finger most weekends – Snod.

I love your version of “Material Girl.” Any other great cover songs in the works?

Thank you. "Viva Las Vegas" is fun, a jolly good-sing-along with attitude in a rockabilly stylee. We’ve tried to ‘surf up’ everything from Fleetwood Mac to Tex Williams through Olivia Newton John (an oddly disturbing image, but maybe that’s just me). The secret of a good cover version or en homage if you will, is not simply to replicate the original but to add a twist or one’s own flavour as it were. This is the philosophy with which we approach covering other people’s songs, but we’d really be buggered if we couldn’t find the lyrics and chords on the internet.

Tell us a funny Surf Sluts (road story or crazy gig) antidote:

A week long residency in the south of France that ended up as a decorating job (and yes, we got paid for both!) We left the UK on 1 April after watching Spinal Tap – an ominous start. Arrived at the bar where no-one was expecting us. Drummer got sunstroke, bass player got food poisoning and singer got alcohol poisoning. So, the first night, with half the band feeling like a bag of shit, we took to the stage only to find out all they wanted to hear was chart covers and Beatles stuff ... played quietly ... very, very quietly ... very, very quietly by four mice in the quiet part of a library. So, we played "Material Girl" full knacker and were promptly sacked--lasting just over 7 minutes! So, short of cash we got a decorating job and although Snod’s cutting in around the door frames was a little shoddy, we survived the week. It all ended happily ever after when we later received payment from the venue as well, which worked out at £66.66 per minute--not bad work if you can get it.

As a result, we are now not only renowned pioneers of punk, surf and pyschobilly in the North of England, we are also highly conversant in all aspects of interior and exterior decorating, maintaining a high standard of professionalism and are available anywhere in the York & Ryedale district. Remember - no job too small!

Do you think The Monkees should be in the rock & roll hall of fame?

Too bloody right! If Elvis is there and he didn’t write any of his songs, then why the buggery not. At least they could play (a bit ...) and didn’t need a HUGE band to carry it off (although we must say we do like a bit of Elvis)!

Hell yes. Davy Jones, We Love You - Mim.

We are not joking when we say that Postmortem Pat is even now already halfway through an essay of earnest study on how important and influential the music of The Monkees was… We, on the other hand (especially the ahem, older members) remember fondly the often hilarious TV series. Aah, those Saturday mornings ... Banana Splits, Batman, The Monkees, Grandstand, chicken pie & chips ... you lot sent us over some cracking telly didn’t you? And what have we given you? Posh & Becks ... Cheers!

And fish & chips. Gracias.

Maybe you can help me with some homework: Two squares are beside each other. One square has 6 times the length of the other square, how many times greater is the area of the larger square? How do you know?

36 or 9? We discussed this over a beer or 3, forgot what the question was and have now forgotten how we came to our conclusion… sorry! Does it really matter? Sometimes things are bigger than other things and sometimes things are smaller and there’s nothing you can do about it. Amen brother.

What is the secret to true happiness?

Forgetfulness--ignorance is bliss, less than 4% is weak as piss ... Postmortem Pat.

Over-excitement all the time is quite good. But if I knew, I’d be a very rich man even though I’m a woman - Mim.

Thanks guys and lots o’ love, Lucy.

"The Surf Sluts Interview" by Lucy Hell. Edited/formatted by Bradley Mason Hamlin. Copyright © 2007 by Mystery Island Publications. Published: 10.09.07 by Mystery Island. All rights reserved.