AGENTS OF KARMA!
EPISODE 008: UNICORN BOY
Lucy Hell sipped her tea, lost in thought as the judges waited for their next would be “agent of karma.”
What is evil? she thought. What is it exactly? Why are we here? Why do we have to do this? Why do we have to fight? I mean, what is it, what is it really?
She looked at Dr. Atlantis. What’s up with that trippy helmet? I wonder how often he takes it off …
Eddie Crossbones, on the other side of Atlantis, turned to Lucy and gave her one of those odd, stretchy skeletal, smiles.
Lucy rolled her eyes and luckily for Eddie the doors slid open as the latest contestant walked into Room 7A.
Agent Yuki Yoko Yoshimoto: This recruit has chosen to conceal his real name for secret identity security reasons. His weapon has been pre-screened and authorized for demonstration.
“As you can see,” said the costumed youth, “clearly, I stand before you in a unicorn costume, Unicorn Boy attire to be exactly clear.”
Eddie laughed. “I thought you were a dog until I saw that way-out horn.”
Unicorn Boy, with his Uni-Gun securely in hand, stared Eddie down like a gunslinger. “Unicorns are vegetarians, my friend, on a higher plane than the common canine.”
“Yeah, I like him,” said Lucy. “Let him in!”
You could hear the bubbles inside Dr. Atlantis’ helmet percolate. “That device your holding, does it somehow give reason to your anamorphic costume choice?”
“Quite so, aquatic amigo, quite so. I have here the Uni-Gun, a one of a kind convector of crime-confusing fun!”
Eddie laughed. “Fun? Okay, someone who understands the joy of fighting weirdoes. Let’s see.”
Agent Yoshimoto: “Agents L7 and 86B report to Room 7A.”
The reluctant test subjects looked increasingly shaky as they entered. They had been gassed by an allegedly alien squid man, slapped into unconsciousness by a guy in a pink flamingo costume, and made to escort out a deluge of other crazies not deemed fit to even tryout in front of the judges.
The two field agents of THE SECRET SOCIETY faced Unicorn Boy, each holding one handgun loaded with blank rounds of ammunition.
Agent 86B: “Boss, a unicorn, really?
Agent L7: “He isn’t going to unicorn slap us, will he?”
Unicorn Boy spoke with a smiling voice. “Fear not, gentlemen. My methods are strictly non-lethal, non-killing type merriment as it were.”
“Merriment?” said L7. “Do you understand what being an Agent of Karma is all about? It means out there,” he gestured beyond the walls, “in a world of madmen and women with superhuman abilities or terrifyingly criminal-minded genius – intent on destruction of basic freedoms and human dignity – in that world, reality, you’ll face off with first rate thugs that have no problem shooting a kid in a kooky costume with a toy gun.”
“And liking it,” said 86B, raising his weapon at Unicorn Boy.
What happened next was something out of a clownish nightmare. The Uni-Gun belched a rapid-fire popping sound as an insane amount of rubber bouncy balls shot at 86B, striking his face, throat, nose and worst of all – eyes.
L7 momentarily stunned – raised his weapon as well – only to find his own face covered in hot popcorn. “Owwww!”
Battered and temporarily blinded, 86B got off a shot and hit Unicorn Boy in the right shoulder. Yet, the blow had no effect.
Unicorn Boy laughed. “Super absorbent bulletproof unicorn costume!”
He then turned a dial on the Uni-Gun and it let out a tremendous howling noise, forcing the judges to raise the see-through wall of no sound.
Over the shrill cacophony of irritation you could hear UB scream: “Cry of the unicorn, excruciating to the human ear! Excruciating, I tell you!
“And,” said the man of many wonders, “the piece de résistance! That’s French, don’t you know? Le glitter!”
Multi-colored sticky glitter mixed with paper confetti poured out of the gun like a super-charged host of insects. The glitter-fetti stuck to everything. Wormed its way inside gun barrels, ear canals, teeth and hair. Agents L7 and 86B looked as if ready for an Iggy & the Stooges concert circa 1970.
“I could try for hot taffy,” said Unicorn Boy, “but as my friend Clint Eastwood once said, “‘A good man always knows his limitations’ – playing ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan in the seminal tough cop flick, Magnum Force, to be sure.’”
“You guys better let him in,” L7 mumbled, “he ain’t safe out on the streets.”
“I’ve got confetti in my nostrils,” said 86B.
“You see?” said Lucy Hell. “He disarmed without … harm.”
Agent L7: “Without harm?”
Agent 86B: “I’ve got glitter in my nostrils.”
The judges entered their votes into the digital dais dashboard calculator:
DR. ATLANTIS: NO
EDDIE CROSSBONES: YES
Not bad for a guy with no superhuman powers, right? If you dig Unicorn Boy’s unique take on battling Evil with a capital “E,” then vote yes now! Or, stay tuned for the next mind-blowing episode of stellar super enjoyment from THE SECRET SOCIETY: AGENTS OF KARMA!
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SECRET SOCIETY: AGENTS OF KARMA!
Created/written by Bradley Mason Hamlin.
Art [usually] by MORT TODD.
Secret Society: Agents of Karma Episode 008: Unicorn Boy. Published August 16, 2010 by Mystery Island.
Copyright © 2010 by Mystery Island Publications. All rights reserved.
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