SENSE OF HUMOR UNEARTHED IN ANCIENT BIBLICAL TEXTS!

THE TRUE STORY OF APRIL UNO
AND THAT WHOLE "EASTER" THING


Ever wonder how the silly tradition of April Fool’s Day started? No? Well, read on, and we’ll hypothesize together.

There are two key aspects that have always been associated with the different Fool’s Days from countries scattered about the world: 1) Tricking people into believing a falsehood and 2) Sending someone on a wild goose chase.

Now, it simply cannot be a coincidence that there are so many different versions of April Fool’s day around the globe, all of which believe they encompass the tradition’s origin—with the one common denominator being the timeline of the vernal equinox. However, in cases of such widespread similarity it stands to reason that there is a unifying scenario that gave birth to all of these strange tales. 

To answer this conundrum you have to travel back 2,000 years to the time where a monk named Dionysius Exiguus decided to make the calendar to end all calendars in the year 525 AD. Why 525 AD? Why not start from 1 AD? The monk’s idea was to start modern time from the point that he felt Jesus Christ was born. He figured that happened 524 years before he got the idea to launch the calendar—thus it had to be the year 525 AD. AD stands for “Anno Domini,” Latin for “year of our Lord.” And while we’re at it BC of course means “before Christ” but has more recently been altered to the more politically correct “before common era.”

Whatever.

As long as you get we’re talking about the time period that the alleged Jesus Christ was hanging out, we’re good. So, what the hell does Hey-Zeus have to do with Goofy Goober Day?

My theory is this; the original hoax began with the so-called crucifixion of Jesus Christ, which of course happened on or about the end of the vernal equinox. By all accounts Jesus was crucified sometime in the first week of April.

According to Biblical scholars a guy named Ben Jeshua was the man most likely to be the guy the Christ legend sprang out of. “Jesus” and “Christ” are both symbolic names, so they are in themselves red herrings when looking at the life of Jesus. “Jesus” in Hebrew is really “Yeshua,” coming from the Hebrew root, yasha, meaning “to save.” The J in Jesus was a translation of the Hebrew into Greek.

“Christ” comes from the Greek word Christos, meaning “the anointed one.” Yeshua and/or Christos meant the savior and/or anointed one. So, if the Bible doesn’t have Jesus’ name spelled correctly, what else is amiss—and where exactly does the big hoax come in?

The Crucifixion.

Some skeptics had brought forward the theory that Christ didn’t die on the cross, that he merely fell into a swoon and was later revived. The Catholic Encyclopedia’s response to this theory is that Christ must have died on the cross because: “The scourging and the crown of thorns, the carrying of the cross and the crucifixion, the three hours on the cross and the piercing of the Sufferer’s side cannot have brought on a mere swoon.”

All right, but what if Ben Jeshua (or Yeshua Christos) fell into something much deeper than a swoon from pain and exhaustion?

Evidence suggests that Jesus actually traveled to India during his young adulthood in what is considered by some to be “the missing years” of Christ. The Russian scholar, Nicolai Notovich, first suggested that Jesus lived in India. In 1887, Notovich was a guest in a Buddhist monastery, where a monk told him of the bodhisattva saint called “Issa.” Apparently there were many parallels between the teachings of “Christ” and the teachings of “Issa” and some scholars still debate whether Christ went to India before or after his crucifixion, but let’s just examine the story in the realistic light of this entity having lived in India among the monks in that land for a period long enough to learn the Buddhist’s unusual and amazing control over human bodily functions—before he got crucified.

Is it then so hard to believe that Ben Jeshua was able to will himself into a deep meditative, yogic, and hypnotic state as he was in the process of crucifixion? Let’s keep in mind that the Bible itself states that Jesus did not suffer the final punishment of crucifixion (the breaking of the legs):

John 19:32 “Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.” John 19:33 “But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs.” John 19:34 “But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.”

His buddies then lobbied to get Jeshua off that cross with no broken bones and took his body to an above ground tomb. Is it so hard to believe then that Jeshua let himself heal from the spear wound for three days inside that above ground tomb, most likely in the care of Mary Magdalena?

Is it so hard to believe that the witnesses seeing Ben Jeshua walk out of that cave would be totally blown away and start spreading the word he was God?

That’s big magic.

An illusion for the centuries.

Talk about a hoax, that beats the hell out of the alien autopsy footage.

Okay, so that’s the hoax, but what about the wild goose chase?

Well, Christ “rose” from the dead (which in Masonic terms would mean he had just been initiated into a new life) and now he needed to boogie on to Heaven—except for one little problem. He wasn’t dead.

So, Ben grabs his woman, and bolts off to Europe. Here is where you get into the French controversy over the “Holy Grail” which is certainly too long a story to recall here, but the gist of what happened (and is still happening) is that many myths have arisen as to what the Holy Grail might be, where it’s hidden, and what its connection to true divinity might be.

One myth is that the grail is the cup or chalice that caught the blood of Christ during his crucifixion. Sort of a grim tale, don’t ya think? Why would anyone be allowed to catch a crucified man’s blood in a cup? Was that person a vampire? Let’s not go there, even though that’s a good idea and I’ll use it elsewhere. Another idea is that the Holy Grail was the platter on which the Last Supper was served. Why would this particular platter be of importance? If so, wouldn’t everything in that room be grail worthy? What about the cup Christ drank out of at that party? What about the chair he sat on? And how is a holy platter going to connect you to the Governing Omnipotent Deity?

Anyway, another theory was that the Holy Grail encompasses the truth of Christ’s birth records and the records of his post-cross family life, etcetera. Men have been killed searching for the answers to these questions, and certainly, the bloodline of Christ being the grail itself is the most interesting of the concepts, but only when you apply that to the fact that the real grail, the real chalice, was the womb that carried Jesus’ offspring.

Mary Magdalena.

Yet, we can’t exactly dig her up and drink a magic potion out of her uterus, can we? No. It’s best to know that (in the most corny sense) that the real grail—is the grail of life inside us all. Your blood is holy because it keeps you alive, and the most sacred thing you can do with that blood is to share it, mix it up with another (non blood-related) human being (of the opposite sex) and create new life.

That’s big magic.

The thing I see for the future is that with each new life there is a slim chance that the next generation of humans will see things a little less foolishly than we do now. However, on this April Fool’s Day when you find yourself stuffing your boss’s boxer shorts with firecrackers or lacing his coffee with lysergic acid diethylamide—just remember—it wasn’t the devil that made you do it.


Later fools,


Bradley Mason Hamlin, (April 1, 2006.)



“The True Story of April Uno" story and art by Bradley Mason Hamlin. All content this page Copyright © 2006 by Mystery Island Publications. All rights reserved. No duplication without permission.



MYSTERY ISLAND ARCHIVE

MYSTERY ISLAND BOTTLED MESSAGE

MYSTERY ISLAND HOME PAGE

CONTACT